I’m not talking about the dictionary definition. I’m talking about in life. I’m asking as someone who has grown distrustful of evaluating her own emotional state in regards to love.
Over this summer of self discovery I realized that I never really seemed to fall in love as much as I appeared to choose to dive into it head first. Don’t get me wrong, I know I loved the people I proclaimed my love for in some way, but I’m no longer sure it was as simple or pure as I thought it was while I was experiencing it.
I now wonder if I was more in love with the idea of being in love than I was with the men in my past? Although I doubt any of them will read this I will add this just in case: if I told you I loved you, please know I meant it, because I believed it. Understand that I mean no hurt feelings to anyone with my words. I simply understand more about myself now than I ever have, and I know that being who I am, being Emotion, love was the highest priority in my life. It was the ultimate goal. And I think that skewed my perception of my own emotions.
With every serious relationship in my past I always thought “I can’t live without him”. It explains why I held on for so long those times that I shouldn’t have. It also explains my unhealthy and extremely lengthy inability to accept what happened with Logic. Without love in my life I was lost, adrift. Yet without a lover in my life I not only survived- I thrived. I learned to embrace who I am, explored and began to understand what I want in life, and enjoyed time with the truest loves I’ve ever known: my boys.
But now I’m at a loss and seeking clarity. How do I know when I’ve fallen in love?
My wonderful man (still seeking his name for you all. I asked him to describe himself in one word, and despite the word he used being accurate based on his reason for picking it, it doesn’t fit for this) is very much on my mind. About as much as my kids are. That’s unusual for me. I miss him when he’s not near, but that’s not unexpected as we don’t get to see each other very frequently at the moment. There are a few things that make me wonder what exactly I’m feeling though.
I told him tonight that I know I could go on living without him in my life, but I know that I’m sure I don’t want to. It’s true. Just knowing he is part of my life makes me smile. And I think this is a much healthier feeling than I used to get. I don’t feel like I’m drowning myself in emotions, despite still loving like a tidal wave. I feel in control of myself, just filled with longing for him; it feels better, cleaner, somehow safer than I’ve ever felt about someone.
I don’t feel pressured or rushed. I feel like we have all the time in the world to be with each other, even though time flies when we are together. What seemed like half an hour was 3 hours; a visit I thought had been 2 or 3 hours was already at the 6 hour mark. It’s natural.
I enjoy learning more and more about him. I enjoy the little details about him. He’s very physically attractive, but I was drawn to him because of his personality. In fact we talked for at least a week, maybe more, before I even saw his picture. What pulled me in is his intelligence, his sense of humor, his quirkiness that fits so well with mine. The flashes that pop into my mind throughout the day are his perfect teeth and the way they flash when he smiles; the way he enunciates certain words; little snippets of conversations we’ve had and jokes hes made. And I miss him. And I wish he was here beside me right now, holding me in his arms.
What is this feeling? Is it still infatuation? Is this what love is really supposed to feel like? I need to figure it out. I need to be certain before I say those words to him. For both of us. For the sake of whatever may come of this. Because I respect him, and we both deserve for me to be sure before I say it. So the question remains: how do you know if its love?