How do you know if its love?

I’m not talking about the dictionary definition. I’m talking about in life. I’m asking as someone who has grown distrustful of evaluating her own emotional state in regards to love.

Over this summer of self discovery I realized that I never really seemed to fall in love as much as I appeared to choose to dive into it head first. Don’t get me wrong, I know I loved the people I proclaimed my love for in some way, but I’m no longer sure it was as simple or pure as I thought it was while I was experiencing it.

I now wonder if I was more in love with the idea of being in love than I was with the men in my past? Although I doubt any of them will read this I will add this just in case: if I told you I loved you, please know I meant it, because I believed it. Understand that I mean no hurt feelings to anyone with my words. I simply understand more about myself now than I ever have, and I know that being who I am, being Emotion, love was the highest priority in my life. It was the ultimate goal. And I think that skewed my perception of my own emotions.

With every serious relationship in my past I always thought “I can’t live without him”. It explains why I held on for so long those times that I shouldn’t have. It also explains my unhealthy and extremely lengthy inability to accept what happened with Logic. Without love in my life I was lost, adrift. Yet without a lover in my life I not only survived- I thrived. I learned to embrace who I am, explored and began to understand what I want in life, and enjoyed time with the truest loves I’ve ever known: my boys.

But now I’m at a loss and seeking clarity. How do I know when I’ve fallen in love?

My wonderful man (still seeking his name for you all. I asked him to describe himself in one word, and despite the word he used being accurate based on his reason for picking it, it doesn’t fit for this) is very much on my mind. About as much as my kids are. That’s unusual for me. I miss him when he’s not near, but that’s not unexpected as we don’t get to see each other very frequently at the moment. There are a few things that make me wonder what exactly I’m feeling though.

I told him tonight that I know I could go on living without him in my life, but I know that I’m sure I don’t want to. It’s true. Just knowing he is part of my life makes me smile. And I think this is a much healthier feeling than I used to get. I don’t feel like I’m drowning myself in emotions, despite still loving like a tidal wave. I feel in control of myself, just filled with longing for him; it feels better, cleaner, somehow safer than I’ve ever felt about someone.

I don’t feel pressured or rushed. I feel like we have all the time in the world to be with each other, even though time flies when we are together. What seemed like half an hour was 3 hours; a visit I thought had been 2 or 3 hours was already at the 6 hour mark. It’s natural.

I enjoy learning more and more about him. I enjoy the little details about him. He’s very physically attractive, but I was drawn to him because of his personality. In fact we talked for at least a week, maybe more, before I even saw his picture. What pulled me in is his intelligence, his sense of humor, his quirkiness that fits so well with mine. The flashes that pop into my mind throughout the day are his perfect teeth and the way they flash when he smiles; the way he enunciates certain words; little snippets of conversations we’ve had and jokes hes made. And I miss him. And I wish he was here beside me right now, holding me in his arms.

What is this feeling? Is it still infatuation? Is this what love is really supposed to feel like? I need to figure it out. I need to be certain before I say those words to him. For both of us. For the sake of whatever may come of this. Because I respect him, and we both deserve for me to be sure before I say it. So the question remains: how do you know if its love?

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SYW 8/28/18

It’s been a long time since I’ve done this, so here it is!

Do you prefer eating foods with nuts or no nuts? I only actually like peanuts, so I don’t put them in much. Although I love peanut butter!

Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? Currently my closet has no door so I have to say open lol

Are you usually late, early, or right on time? I’m getting better at being on time, but late is my normal. Not too late, but always a few minutes. Usually close enough to be frustrating to me!

What did you appreciate or what made you smile this past week? Feel free to use a quote, a photo, a story, or even a combination. Its been a week of ups and downs for me, but I enjoyed going trick or treating with my son. There were a bunch of us actually including his stepmom, his half brother, her sister with her kids, my friend April and her two kids as well. We went to my sisters a couple times, and it was great seeing her too! I’ve also continued getting to know my new man and that has been very pleasurable indeed!

Emotion Returns

She sits alone, fingers lingering on the keyboard while her eyes stare at the blank page in front of her.  What to write about?  So much to catch everyone up on after her long hiatus!  Emotion has been very busy working on herself and moving her life forward; there is so much to say about how she’s arrived at this moment and this place.  She closed her eyes for a moment, then opened them and began typing…

Happiness abounds. Words that, until a couple months ago, she never thought she would truly believe again.  Our beloved Emotion has learned to love herself in ways she never did before, and has gained a confidence she never had in her life previously.  She feels peaceful inside; being alone no longer scared her, she stopped reaching for the nearest hand to hold, and she stopped looking back to the past.  After all, some things are better left behind.

As soon as she realized she could make herself feel the contentment she’s always believed came from others her life took a drastic turn.  She started sprinkling her work with “play dates” with friends and her kiddos.  She took a road trip to Quebec solo to visit friends.  She started really taking care of herself, for herself.  She still struggles with food, but she’s working on it.

And she started dating again.  Emotion doesn’t need a man in her life, but why not find someone to enjoy her down time with?  She’s affectionate, she’s outgoing, she enjoys people so why not give life a chance to send her another Mr. Right?  Yes, she’s aware that her life has been a series of “Mr. RightNows” but ultimately she grew with each one and is even friends with a couple of them still.  She has limited time, but that has weeded out quite a few of the Mr. NotQuiteRights.  The benefits of her workload are not only the extra income, but also the way it makes demanding men reveal themselves.  With her newfound confidence she doesn’t bow down to the demands of “make time for me” because she knows she needs to keep her hustle prioritized higher than a mans ego.  She’s also become very picky.  A year alone with nothing to do but work on yourself and reassess your needs and desires has that effect on you.

Amazingly enough, she met someone.  Someone that may be Mr. Right, it’s early yet but time will tell.  He’s respectful of her work habits, appreciates what she does.  He’s understanding that her children come first and has even expressed that he likes that fact.  He’s friendly, funny, laid back, spontaneous.  All qualities she needs in a man.  He is learning about her and thus far seems to appreciate her uniqueness.

Emotion says she is weird.  She no longer means that in a negative way.  She is weird, but in her mind weird simply equates to not being stereotypical and there is nothing wrong with that.  He isn’t bothered by her particular brand of weirdness.  Then again, it’s still early!

In her experience he is unique as well.  He’s very straightforward and honest, and it’s quite a lovely and refreshing change!  He has shrugged off all of the “warnings” Emotion has mentioned, replied with jokes that all mean the same thing: I can handle you.  And she thinks he can.

It’s so odd for Emotion though.  He isn’t trying to rush things.  No talk about moving in together in the future, no talk about where exactly this is leading, no expectations, no pressure.  She is able to simply evaluate her feelings towards him as they talk, make her decisions without the old carrot on a stick guiding her to the happily ever after she always wanted before.  She knows that was her weakness.  Silly Emotion, wearing her heart on her sleeve for everyone to see, was easily led down the paths that were chosen for her by Mr. RightForTheMoment so many times before!  That Emotion, the Emotion that wasn’t quite confident enough to stay alone, chased those carrots as though it was the only food she’d ever have, never realizing she was running through a garden.  This Emotion, the emotion that prefers to stay alone unless a man can show he’s worthy of her precious free time, has no interest in carrots dangled.  This man doesn’t seem to carry any carrots in his pockets, and if he had a stick he would probably sharpen it into a shank and give it to her to use for protection.  It’s endearing really.

Her heart skips a beat from time to time when his texts hit home for her.  Sweet texts that come from the heart, the same type of texts she’s always used to convey caring.  Simple things, like asking if she’s made it home safely.  Little things that let her know she’s on his mind.  He also started right from the beginning with the two texts that she always felt were most important, most indicative of caring: good morning and good night.

Our silly little Emotion believes those two texts to be key.  A good morning text says “I’m thinking of you when I wake up, wishing I could see you sitting across the table as I drink my morning coffee” (or in this case tea).  A good night text says “I’m thinking of you as I settle in for the night.  As the weight of my day falls away and the peace of sleep draws near, my mind turns to thoughts of you.”  She is actually quite easy to make happy, our silly little girl!

Yet she’s not rushing to proclaim it love.  He’s not from her past, not someone she’s known for years.  She needs to get to know him, to determine that they will be compatible, before she proclaims it love.  He needs to get to know her as well.  As much as Emotion is quite happy with the random person she is, she knows he has not had nearly enough time yet to explore her depths and decide if she is actually right for him.  But he’s on her mind quite often throughout the day, which he probably knows based on the amount of texts she’s sending him.  She’s been trying to think of a name for him for this place, so you dear readers can know him too, but thus far he’s defied a simple label.

With Logic it was easy because no matter how much he tried to reflect Emotions emotions, ultimately every decision he made and every action he took was based on stripped down logic.  Emotion was easily able to name herself because ultimately she’s always been emotions formed into a human shape and given life.

But this man… this man is not so easily defined.  He’s handsome, he’s adorable, he has personality shining from him, he’s down to Earth, he’s realistic, he’s intelligent, he’s well traveled and well mannered.  He needs a name, but Emotion will have to wait for the name to present itself.  She wonders if his name will be Mr. Right?

He makes her heart warm.  He makes her pulse race.  He makes her smile, no matter what is going on.  He’s almost always on her mind.  He’s currently sound asleep, blissfully unaware that Emotion is sitting here evaluating her heart in writing for all of her dear readers to read.  But he would be suggesting she get some rest, because he’s also nurturing.  With that in mind, she will try to rest.  Emotion lives her own life, but she also admits when someone else has a better idea than her!

Emotion has returned.  This time, however, she is not afraid to feel.

Full Moon Ramblings

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately; more than usual. I’ve come to realize how private I have become, and how much I like that at the moment. I share enough of myself to make sure people know I’m alive and to allow people to see that my world is still spinning, but I’m no longer the open book I was.

I wonder if perhaps I’m becoming too closed off, too private, to the point of isolation? I know I’ve restructured my thoughts and my desire to share myself has changed. Part of that can definitely be attributed to what’s going on with my heart (emotionally, not structurally). I don’t know that I genuinely understand why one relates to the other, but it just feels right when I say it so I know it’s right.

Part of it can be attributed to the unwanted attention I’ve received, primarily from people I know through cycling (despite not having seen them in real life in over two years). I wonder if my openness has made these men feel like they know me better than they really do and has contributed to their willingness to say inappropriate things to me? I know their unwelcome advances have definitely contributed to my lack of desire to attempt cycling this year. I think I would have taken the chance with my heart if it weren’t for the risk of encountering someone that has been lewd in messages to me. I could delete them off Facebook, and have considered it, but I don’t want to cause a ruckus by doing so. The life of a woman: faced with inappropriate behavior by men, we still have to consider the repercussions of preventing further inappropriateness.

If you asked me who I considered friends, I could give you quite a list of men and (mostly) women I respect and appreciate the friendship of. But I don’t do friendship like “normal” people. Most of my interactions with most of these people are digital. I text, I FB message, I Snapchat. I’m not huge on phone calls and honestly face to face interactions are wonderful but not the deciding factor for me in if I consider a relationship a friendship or just acquaintanceship. I just appreciate people that are as busy as I am but still want to say hi sometimes.

I’ve discovered, in my self evaluation and remodeling for lack of a better descriptor, that I no longer have any one person that knows everything current about me. I’m not upset or sad by that, and I hope not to upset or sadden anyone else with that knowledge. Maybe I should feel some strong, negative emotion about that fact but I don’t. I feel that different people know me differently so it makes sense that they each know different parts of what’s going on with me. I don’t have anyone in my life right now that I feel needs to know everything that is going on; nor do I have anyone in my life right now that I feel has the desire to know some of what I withhold, at least not with pure intentions. I feel like that statement will upset some people and I regret that, I truly do, but it’s reality. We all have thoughts, feelings, worries, and concerns that we only share with those closest to us in all ways, and right now I don’t have that person or persons in my life. Of course if anything were to happen and my life looked into like an episode of CSI there are enough people out there with the bits and pieces of me that the actors playing detectives would be able to paint a fairly complete picture of my life still! 😜

Sometimes I feel alone in a crowded room. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by people if there are more than two or three people involved in a conversation with me. Mostly I feel cared about just the right amount by the electronic interactions I have.

I have my secrets. I have my untold stories. I have my friends. I feel like I can have all of that and be okay.

And one day it just hit her

Enough is enough.

She decided to stop apologizing for being herself. She liked who she was; she wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea but she was fine with that.

She decided to stop sugar coating everything for everyone. Sometimes the truth is hard to speak, and harder to hear. But sometimes it needs to be said, it needs to be heard. If the truth hurts then change yourself so the truth changes.

Most importantly she decided to stop using self deprecation to deflect unwanted advances and attention. She isn’t perfect, she isn’t a model, but she isn’t ugly or a terrible person either. It is not her responsibility to spare other people’s feelings at the expense of her own.

Besides, history has shown that this doesn’t work. In fact, it seems to have the opposite effect. Men seem to interpret her self deprecation as low self esteem and become even more aggressive in their unwanted advances and she has decided enough is enough. She doesn’t appreciate the increasingly brazen messages, and she certainly doesn’t appreciate the downright lewd messages.

She deserves better than that.

She deserves respect. After all, there can be no love where there is no respect.

Enough is enough.

Today is the day.

Why?

This is the question I ask myself the most.  Why?

Why am I Emotion?  Because I can’t help who I am.

But why does Emotion still cling to Logic?  That is the question that needs to be answered.

I think perhaps a large part of it is how well things went in the beginning, before Logic had doubts, before we realized we weren’t communicating the things we needed to.  Hell, I just realized last week that we hadn’t communicated the things we needed to.  Logic needed to tell me, in his out loud voice, that he needed some physical space; that he wasn’t used to someone around so much and he needed some quiet time alone.  I assumed (incorrectly, as it turns out) that he was enjoying spending as much time with me as I was with him because, like me, he was craving that connection that had been missing for so long.  And I think at first he was.  But it became too much. became too much.

But I didn’t communicate properly either.  I didn’t speak up all those times, towards the end, when I was bored.  I didn’t tell him I wanted to go do something, either with or without him, rather than sit at home on the couch scrolling through electronics.  I was becoming discontent because we were never like that, and then we were.  But I failed to communicate that.

Before we reached that point though, before we stopped talking about what we needed, that was magic.  I think that’s why Emotion remains drawn to Logic.  Even if that’s not quite all of it, I definitely know what isn’t causing me to hang on… My other “why”?

Why do I hang on to someone that saw fit to imagine me differently than I am, and continues to do so?  Why am I stuck on someone that has distorted their view of me to the extent Logic has?

Logic likes to think I would have begun getting jealous of him leaving my side to spend time with his children.  I was the one that always said “kids first, always”.  I was the one that always kissed him goodbye and told him to have fun when he left to go with the kids.  I was the one that always smiled happily knowing that he was going to be with them.  I was the one that always asked questions about the things they did upon his return so I could learn more about his kids in the best way possible (shy of spending time with them myself obviously)- hearing about their adventures, conversations, and antics from a happy and proud father who spoke animatedly with love shining in his eyes and a smile on his lips.  Yet he thinks I was going to “freak out sometime” when he said he wanted to spend time with his kids??  Intentionally distorted view of me.

Logic thought I would begin to get upset with him spending time with the kids mother as well as them.  Me, the person that has done shared holidays and events with my ex-husband and his wife for all of our children (including their son, whose birthday parties I go to and who has participated in egg hunts and Christmas gift opening with all of us).  Me, the person that pretty much lived with her ex-husband and his wife for a month because it is what our son needed.  Yet he thought I would get upset with him?  Intentionally distorted view of me.  Perhaps brought on by his own mixed emotions, but definitely not a reflection of my personality.  Hell, he spent my birthday with the four of them, and I was quite content knowing that he was happy.  The texts and such were an unexpected yet very pleasant bonus, and I never said a negative word about it.

Logic was attracted to Emotion.  But Logic has created an alternate ego for Emotion- a Dark Emotion- that never existed.  Why?  Only he knows.

So the questions remain: Why??