Emotion Confused

I keep thinking I’m all set, then something happens to send me back to wondering. A song, a place, every single time I see a picture….

I’ve been struggling emotionally which is no secret to anyone around me. And when I was in a really rough place mentally Logic teased me playfully. I didn’t take it well. Then I figured since my brains were already scrambled I’d ask a question I had been wondering about.

I received the answer I had expected but dreaded… And I reacted accordingly because I am Emotion and that night Emotion was on a rollercoaster. The problem is that I’ve since re-read the conversation and it wasn’t a straight answer. Now I’m wondering if I was being messed with again and I took it seriously when I shouldn’t have… But I think that’s wishful thinking. If it had been a joke I think Logic would have laughed at fooling me twice in a row and ended that line of thought. But I’ve painted myself into a corner so I can’t ask.

Why am I so hung up on Logic? Besides the obvious physical attraction and compatibility, we just clicked in most areas. Work ethic, focus, hopes, concerns, sense of humor, even our hobbies and interests were a perfect mix of shared interests and things we could go do separately. Although that seems perfect, and although we spent a lot of time together (perhaps too much time together at the end, I’ll concede that point), he didn’t do the one thing that I wanted above all else: share the family life with me. I know he had his reasons, and I understand them, but why the hell am I hung up on someone that promised me daughters then, after dangling them in front of me pulled them away? Why am I hung up on someone that promised me beautiful tomorrows then pulled those promises? The whitewater rafting, the maple syrup taffy, the walks in the woods, all the beautiful fun things gone. All the shopping for the girls gone. Hell, I never got a thank you for the personalized gift I did get and yet I still wanted to do more.

Why can’t I walk away? I’ve always been able to walk away. And yes, I’ve always been able to walk away and still be friendly. I’m writing this sitting in my ex-husband’s house, where I’ve been doing work with his wife, and I feel no sense of loss or longing related to him. But I think of Logic and it all floods in, feelings of loss and longing that I’ve never felt before, so intense and invasive.

Why does it have to be so confused and painful?

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Startling Realization

Sometimes things hit me in the weirdest places in at the weirdest times. That happened to me today.

While pumping gas about an hour ago I was thinking about a conversation I had with my doctor earlier today and I had told her that I love intensely and that that may be too much for some people but I refuse to change that because it’s who I am. As I was pumping gas and thinking about this conversation it dawned on me that for the first time in a very long time I have nobody to love and no prospects. So what does a person like me do with that kind of love? It can’t just sit and smoulder because it’s a fire burning inside of me and left alone who knows what it’ll do? Could it burn me up inside? Could it burn itself out leaving me unable to love again in the future? Why would I even take that risk?

So I’ve realized that I have no choice but to turn all of that love back on myself. And you’d be amazed at how I feel right now! I feel free, I feel calm, I almost feel released from a prison I’d made in my own head.

You see I’ve never feared being alone because mostly being alone is what I’ve known. I’ve never measured the value or quality of a relationship by the amount of time spent together, but rather by the quality of that time spent together. So it wasn’t being alone that was concerning to me. It was a fear that this love that I have raging inside of me all the time would get out of control like a forest fire and do some damage or burnout like a campfire left unattended. And now that I’ve given myself the okay to turn it back on myself I know that it’s not going to die off or to get out of control.

That may not make much sense to you, dear readers, but it makes sense to me and sometimes figuring out the jumbled inside of our own heads the only thing that matters.

I’m not going out like that

Okay, today’s challenge question got my panties in a pucker, but I’m not ending on that note. Too much good has happened today for that. For example, my A1C is up to 5.4 which is great, shows that I’m taking better care of myself, eating more frequently and healthier. Definitive proof of better self care, proven by blood not just words. The goal was “closer to 6”, so I’m succeeding.

I also have been running the truck the last two days. It was nice to have 4 wheel drive in today’s storm! I just love the beast!

Cole stayed home alone today while I worked but spent a solid half hour just talking to me when I got home. Granted I didn’t understand part of what he was telling me (someone needs to write a Minecraft for Dummies, Parents Edition, so I can keep up with his proud descriptions!) but it was solid connection time, then again at dinner.

Hunter called and we talked for about two hours according to him, and that was great too. Connecting with him is more difficult since he moved out, so this was a nice surprise.

Today could have sucked but it didn’t. Life could suck but as long as those two boys love me, it won’t.  So I’m going to bed happy ❤️

Day 8 of 31

Day 8: where in your life do you need to slow down?

Yeah, that’s gonna be a no for me. I was just starting to think this thing was taking a turn for the positive yet here we are!

Fine. I said I would stick with this so here.  According to some, everywhere. According to me, I need to slow down on trusting people and that’s about it. 

I push myself hard, but I like it that way.

I just need to remember that it’s probably less painful to douse myself in gasoline and set myself on fire than it is to trust my own judgement of people and rush to let people get close to me. That’s where I need to slow down.

On that note I’m going to bed. 31 days of self love. More like “20-something days of making you identify every single flaw and stupid move with a few actually loving days thrown in”. Pfffftttt……

Emotion Retreats

Where has our dear Emotion gone? There’s been no word from her for a while.  She’s left us behind, gone to hide in her own little place far away from our prying eyes. 

She’s retreated into herself because she’s had to accept reality. She’s been chasing unicorns.

All her life she has believed in love everlasting, fairytale endings of happily ever after. She still believes in them, because she sees it. She sees couples that have been together through thick and thin that still love each other even during the hard times. They spoke their love in soft, sweet words and they held fast to them. When the newness wore off and that initial rush of hormonal excitement was no longer there, they looked deep enough to find more and more to love about their partners. When times were taxing they didn’t simply walk away. They never sought solace in the arms of another; their love for their partners would never allow that. She’s seen this around her, so she knows it exists.

Still she retreats. She retreats because she knows that happily ever after exists, just not for her. That’s the unicorn she’s been chasing. The shiny white coat representative of pure love; the long, flowing mane being the endless endearments; the rarity being the odds of finding someone that shares your hopes, dreams, priorities, sense of humor, work ethic, dedication to family and that is attracted to you physically as well as emotionally. That’s the unicorn. Many people have found one, but Emotion has only found the part that hasn’t yet been explained: the horn. For couples that find their unicorn, the horn is only piercing when death claims one of them, leaving the other lost and alone. 

Emotion has found the horn, and it has pierced her heart. She has tried, always committed fully to partners until it was impossible to stay with them any longer. There must be respect in order for love to last. Without respect Emotion cannot stay. She was broken, over and over again broken. She thought this was the same, but she was wrong.

She has shattered. The horn pierced her heart and she shattered like a glass dropped from a rooftop onto jagged rocks. So she retreated.

She’s thought it over, many long nights, many hard days, and she’s finally realized what her future won’t include. There is no one to fill the place Logic left. There is no one that can match her intensity, she burns them all up like moths drawn into a flame. There is no one willing to stay when times get rough; no one willing to look deeper when the newness wears off. There is no one for her. So Emotion retreats.

She will still love. She will love her children, her family, and her friends. She will give of herself and have a fulfilling life doing that. But she will no longer entertain the thought of a happily ever after. 

She was always able to pick up the broken pieces and reassemble herself into something more each time she was broken, because the glue added volume. But broken is easy. Shatter a glass then try to reassemble it. Unfortunately you’ll always find shards missing, you end up with holes and jagged edges. 

That part of her heart whic is reserved for ‘happily ever  after’ is hole edged with sharp, jagged pieces. Emotion will block that part off for safety. No sense in leaving it open; that can only result in cuts in the future. Emotion has retreated.

Day 7 of 31

Day 7: name a thing you love about your body and your personality.

Well, this isn’t dark at least! One thing I love about my body is my overall shape. Even when I get heavy I seem to retain at least some of my hourglass shape. It helps make me feel good about myself. 

One thing I love about my personality is that I’m a giver. I’m a loving, caring person and because of that I give however I can to make others happy.

Day 6 of 31

Day 6: what do you need to forgive yourself for?

Well, this “31 days of self love” attempt is actually turning out pretty dark. I’m questioning why I thought it was a good idea now.

I need to forgive myself for listening to the doctor, not going to Portland instead when I was in labor with Jessica. I still blame myself, and I can’t really figure out how to let that go. Every justification I give to everyone else rings hollow in my heart at times, so although I believe them I still just can’t seem to forgive myself for it.

I also need to forgive myself for always choosing to see the good in people and getting taken for a ride because of it. I’ve been used, had my heart broken, all because I choose to believe in the good in people. I hate myself for it at times, and I need to forgive myself by reminding myself that it’s a flaw, but a good one.