I keep thinking I’m all set, then something happens to send me back to wondering. A song, a place, every single time I see a picture….
I’ve been struggling emotionally which is no secret to anyone around me. And when I was in a really rough place mentally Logic teased me playfully. I didn’t take it well. Then I figured since my brains were already scrambled I’d ask a question I had been wondering about.
I received the answer I had expected but dreaded… And I reacted accordingly because I am Emotion and that night Emotion was on a rollercoaster. The problem is that I’ve since re-read the conversation and it wasn’t a straight answer. Now I’m wondering if I was being messed with again and I took it seriously when I shouldn’t have… But I think that’s wishful thinking. If it had been a joke I think Logic would have laughed at fooling me twice in a row and ended that line of thought. But I’ve painted myself into a corner so I can’t ask.
Why am I so hung up on Logic? Besides the obvious physical attraction and compatibility, we just clicked in most areas. Work ethic, focus, hopes, concerns, sense of humor, even our hobbies and interests were a perfect mix of shared interests and things we could go do separately. Although that seems perfect, and although we spent a lot of time together (perhaps too much time together at the end, I’ll concede that point), he didn’t do the one thing that I wanted above all else: share the family life with me. I know he had his reasons, and I understand them, but why the hell am I hung up on someone that promised me daughters then, after dangling them in front of me pulled them away? Why am I hung up on someone that promised me beautiful tomorrows then pulled those promises? The whitewater rafting, the maple syrup taffy, the walks in the woods, all the beautiful fun things gone. All the shopping for the girls gone. Hell, I never got a thank you for the personalized gift I did get and yet I still wanted to do more.
Why can’t I walk away? I’ve always been able to walk away. And yes, I’ve always been able to walk away and still be friendly. I’m writing this sitting in my ex-husband’s house, where I’ve been doing work with his wife, and I feel no sense of loss or longing related to him. But I think of Logic and it all floods in, feelings of loss and longing that I’ve never felt before, so intense and invasive.
Why does it have to be so confused and painful?