And one day it just hit her

Enough is enough.

She decided to stop apologizing for being herself. She liked who she was; she wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea but she was fine with that.

She decided to stop sugar coating everything for everyone. Sometimes the truth is hard to speak, and harder to hear. But sometimes it needs to be said, it needs to be heard. If the truth hurts then change yourself so the truth changes.

Most importantly she decided to stop using self deprecation to deflect unwanted advances and attention. She isn’t perfect, she isn’t a model, but she isn’t ugly or a terrible person either. It is not her responsibility to spare other people’s feelings at the expense of her own.

Besides, history has shown that this doesn’t work. In fact, it seems to have the opposite effect. Men seem to interpret her self deprecation as low self esteem and become even more aggressive in their unwanted advances and she has decided enough is enough. She doesn’t appreciate the increasingly brazen messages, and she certainly doesn’t appreciate the downright lewd messages.

She deserves better than that.

She deserves respect. After all, there can be no love where there is no respect.

Enough is enough.

Today is the day.

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Why?

This is the question I ask myself the most.  Why?

Why am I Emotion?  Because I can’t help who I am.

But why does Emotion still cling to Logic?  That is the question that needs to be answered.

I think perhaps a large part of it is how well things went in the beginning, before Logic had doubts, before we realized we weren’t communicating the things we needed to.  Hell, I just realized last week that we hadn’t communicated the things we needed to.  Logic needed to tell me, in his out loud voice, that he needed some physical space; that he wasn’t used to someone around so much and he needed some quiet time alone.  I assumed (incorrectly, as it turns out) that he was enjoying spending as much time with me as I was with him because, like me, he was craving that connection that had been missing for so long.  And I think at first he was.  But it became too much. became too much.

But I didn’t communicate properly either.  I didn’t speak up all those times, towards the end, when I was bored.  I didn’t tell him I wanted to go do something, either with or without him, rather than sit at home on the couch scrolling through electronics.  I was becoming discontent because we were never like that, and then we were.  But I failed to communicate that.

Before we reached that point though, before we stopped talking about what we needed, that was magic.  I think that’s why Emotion remains drawn to Logic.  Even if that’s not quite all of it, I definitely know what isn’t causing me to hang on… My other “why”?

Why do I hang on to someone that saw fit to imagine me differently than I am, and continues to do so?  Why am I stuck on someone that has distorted their view of me to the extent Logic has?

Logic likes to think I would have begun getting jealous of him leaving my side to spend time with his children.  I was the one that always said “kids first, always”.  I was the one that always kissed him goodbye and told him to have fun when he left to go with the kids.  I was the one that always smiled happily knowing that he was going to be with them.  I was the one that always asked questions about the things they did upon his return so I could learn more about his kids in the best way possible (shy of spending time with them myself obviously)- hearing about their adventures, conversations, and antics from a happy and proud father who spoke animatedly with love shining in his eyes and a smile on his lips.  Yet he thinks I was going to “freak out sometime” when he said he wanted to spend time with his kids??  Intentionally distorted view of me.

Logic thought I would begin to get upset with him spending time with the kids mother as well as them.  Me, the person that has done shared holidays and events with my ex-husband and his wife for all of our children (including their son, whose birthday parties I go to and who has participated in egg hunts and Christmas gift opening with all of us).  Me, the person that pretty much lived with her ex-husband and his wife for a month because it is what our son needed.  Yet he thought I would get upset with him?  Intentionally distorted view of me.  Perhaps brought on by his own mixed emotions, but definitely not a reflection of my personality.  Hell, he spent my birthday with the four of them, and I was quite content knowing that he was happy.  The texts and such were an unexpected yet very pleasant bonus, and I never said a negative word about it.

Logic was attracted to Emotion.  But Logic has created an alternate ego for Emotion- a Dark Emotion- that never existed.  Why?  Only he knows.

So the questions remain: Why??

An Unread Letter

Dear Logic,

I drove past a place from our past today. No surprise really, there are so many places from our past in all of the surrounding towns because of who we are and how things went with us. But this one has a clear memory for me: it was where things really began to feel like we had a future, and where my mind returns to whenever I think about how misled I was.

I think you were being serious, that you believed the words you spoke. I asked if you were sure you were over her and you thought for a few minutes before replying that yes, you were. That it had been over for a long time. That your then 15 year old had even pointed out that you two didn’t even like each other- and that had happened three years before. You said you were sure.

You said you knew what my baggage was and that you could live with it. I said the same about yours. We were both wrong. I was carrying one bag even I wasn’t aware I had; the fact that it is now unpacked doesn’t matter as it’s too little too late. You were carrying a bag you thought you had put down already.

My bag was full of neediness, needing so much interaction that I pushed you away. I should have realized I would bask too fully in having someone to spend time with; after all, I had been starved for time and affection for so long before you came into my life. I should have realized that I was drowning you with too much involvement. After all, I am intense and involved, and you were used to angry and aloof.

Your bag was full of her. You thought you were over her, but you weren’t. At least you didn’t think you were. Or simply couldn’t admit it. But I’ve listened when you’ve talked and watched your body language, and your eyes, and I know you are over her. You aren’t over being away from the kids. You feel like you should be there for them, but you act like you don’t see that you are doing more with them now than I ever knew you too. Quality over quantity, but you can’t quite live by that. How can you, when she throws your busy work schedule in your face? She fails to acknowledge where things would be if you didn’t work the way you do, but that’s neither here nor there.

You see, I believe it’s less about the kids and not at all about her; I believe it’s about the time you’ve invested. Because you are Logic, you know quality over quantity, and you know you have that with the kids. But you are Logic; you feel that walking away permanently is a waste of those years.

If only you could see you are wasting even more years wishing she was something other than what she is.

If I could talk to you as a friend without you questioning my motives, I would tell you this: people don’t change who they are at the core. She’s spiteful, she’s belligerent, she’s irrationally angry. She’s just genuinely unkind.

She’s unkind to you in ways too numerous to list, but she’s also not always kind to your kids. You wouldn’t agree because “she’s a good mom” but I’ve seen otherwise. I saw it when your daughter told me she couldn’t be honest with her about visiting with me because she’s still getting shit about the first time and saying I was nice. My sons come to me about everything without fear of reprisal because I’m not a good mom by your standards. Put the quotation marks wherever you’d like in that sentence, they fit a couple of places.

But that one particular scene that played out in front of your kids? The one you feel guilty about although she was the one completely in the wrong? That shows that she’s not a good mother, because a good mother would never cause her kids to witness that. And that shows that she’ll never be a good wife. That she’ll never treat you with respect. That she’s an angry, hateful, pathetic woman at her core. She crossed a line that cannot be uncrossed. I know, several men have crossed that line with me. It never turns into a loving and respectful relationship after that. In fact, it just moves the line of what is acceptable or not further into unacceptable territory. I don’t doubt it’ll happen again it’s just a matter of when. Probably when you are forced to answer to her about us if you proceed down the road you are trying to travel. Then I’ll live with the guilt of her actions because although I won’t be responsible for hateful actions, I will be her justification.

I wish I could share this with you as a friend, because I want to spare you from more wasted years, but I can’t. Because you’ll always doubt my reasons for saying these things. It doesn’t matter how much of it you realize to be true, you will always think I said it all because I love you. You know it’s true, that slipped tonight. It was a slip up that you didn’t know you made, and you may still not recognize the depth of what you said. You must not, because you spoke the truth and yet you still seem determined to pretend it’s not the reality.

I say it because it’s true. I do love you, I admit that. But I know when I’ve lost. And I’ve lost you, I know that. I’m not your type. My tattoos are unattractive. I don’t learn boundaries without being explicitly told them. I’m just not your type after all.

When For Now came on the playlist I was thinking about how the chorus made me think of you when I heard that song; but that song makes you think of her, doesn’t it? It’s a better fit overall I guess. We had a couple songs, but I think Garden by Dua is a better fit for us now. Either way, listening to that song made me realize all that I’ve said in this letter. Another letter you’ll never read. That doesn’t matter, I feel better for having written it.

Sincerely,

Your Emotion

Loneliness

I’m not afraid to be alone, it’s the loneliness I dread.

I’ve been told many times that it doesn’t have to be this way but the reality is that it does. I made this bed, now I’ll lay in it. Allow me to explain.

I know I work too much (we’ll come back to that shortly) but that doesn’t change the fact that my kids have always been my main concern. It doesn’t always appear that way because over the last couple years my boys have grown and become more independent (or at least less mom dependent), but despite appearances my life has always been dictated by “what will be best for the kids?” I’ve found that the answer to that question either makes decision making very simple or extremely complex.

For example, I work too much (we’ll come back to this again later too. Notice a theme?) Working allows me to make enough money to create comfortable living for my kids, although less for Hunter now that he’s on his own, but for my kids. Right now I’m working because I have to pay on all the medical bills for Cap’n in addition to the expenses incurred with this move. I knew when we brought him to the hospital that I would hit that $6000+ limit I’m responsible for quickly but it wasn’t even a consideration for me because he needed the help. I knew relocating would be costly, especially with needing to pay for both places for a month; again, not even a consideration for me. It all comes down to what’s best for the kids. This is an example of simple yet extremely complex because…

Of course this means I miss them while I’m working. There are days I don’t get to ask Cole my standard after school questions. How was your day? What was your favorite part? What was your least favorite part? What was the best thing that happened today? What was the worst thing that happened today? (Lately the answer to that last one has been “i can’t think of anything bad, so nothing I guess” which is amazing, but I digress). There are times he stays with his dad and stepmom so I can work. I don’t get to see Hunter as much as I’d like either. But it balances out in my mind because I am the provider. And Cole likes seeing his dad, stepmom, and the kids. And Hunter is almost 21, so he doesn’t expect to see me all the time now. Does it still suck? Sometimes yes. But it’s what’s best for the kids. And it’s not what leaves me lonely.

When I got divorced there was so very much uncertainty about my future but the one thing that was absolutely, unequivocally certain in my mind was that I would not be dragging men in and out of my kids lives. I firmly believe that children that witness that type of behavior from their parents grow up without any real knowledge of what healthy relationships are or about how to set healthy boundaries. I want my kids to have the best life they can have, so I need to make choices that teach them how to respect themselves; how to respect the boundaries of their children; how to respect their relationships. Respecting oneself and respecting your relationship should each have their own entry, and we are focusing on the children right now so let’s go there.

I believe that in order to respect my children’s boundaries I need to not bring men into their lives unless I firmly believe they will be a permanent fixture. I believe that serial dating sends a ton of mixed messages, and particularly when dealing with a kiddo on the spectrum serial dating can be very confusing.

To that end, they had BJ in their lives for 7 years. Unfortunately that relationship crashed and burned when he lost my trust, although in truth it had been declining steadily for a few months prior to my discovery that the “7 year itch” is a real thing. But I had thought we would be together forever, so I let my kids get close to him, and I got close to his kids.

Then there was Logic. Too good to be true and I knew it from the start, but I let us both convince me that it wasn’t; that this was really love (it was, and it still is, for me) and that it would last forever. Sadly it did not. But I let my kids meet him, spend time with him, know what he meant to me and the future we had planned. Because this was it. This was the future, so reaching the limit of men I would expose my children to didn’t matter; why would that number matter when this is forever? I had thoroughly thought this through before allowing him to meet my kids because he was it, he was the last boyfriend I could allow around my kids. But I allowed it because this was the future, this was forever! Until there was no future, no forever.

Now I lay in the bed I made. I’ll do what’s best for the kids. Although I thought about dating quietly, just for some companionship because I get lonely but no longer believe in looking for love or forever, without letting the kids know. But you see, I work too much (I told you I wasn’t done with that). The few times I’ve attempted to even schedule anything with anyone I’ve ended up working. Not so surprisingly men don’t appreciate a hard working woman. Apparently I’m supposed to drop work for the pleasure of a few hours of someone’s time, but I don’t play that way. You see, it still comes back to “what’s best for the kids?” And between the two, work or going out, the answer will always be work. I’ve yet to meet a man besides Logic than can understand that. If they even get to that point. Most don’t make it past the “just as friends, I’m not looking for a relationship” thing. And if they do manage to understand that part, the fail to grasp the whole “no you won’t meet my kids” thing. No, not even as friends, not for a while. Not until I can trust that you don’t have an ulterior motive, that you aren’t hoping for more than friends, for what is not yours to have. My heart belongs to my children and to Logic, even if it’s shattered pieces glued together, even if part of that remains secret (yes, even thrown out on here it remains secret, as Logic doesn’t read my posts). The few that have accepted those two things have thrown in the towel when I wouldn’t refuse work because they happened to be free.

Does my unwillingness to refuse work so I can go out for a couple hours with men I barely know make me a bad person, a bad woman? Opinions vary I suppose. But the only opinion that matters to me on the subject is mine, and I say no it doesn’t. I’m doing what feels right in my heart. Besides, since I’m not looking for more than friendship why would I want to be friends with someone that doesn’t understand my need to work? Or my desire to work, since I enjoy it so? Those aren’t my type of people. My type of people know that I keep busy but we keep in touch just the same. Although honestly if I was looking for more than friendship any man that would expect me to give up work on their whim isn’t the right one for me anyway.

Yes, I get lonely. Yes, that sucks. But I made this bed, I’ll snuggle up into it and get comfortable because it’ll be a long 5+ years before I climb out of it.

From Our Song To This Song

I have a lot of good qualities, but my memory was always one of my best. I’m observant on top of that, so I notice details and remember them forever if the situation or person is important. And I’m Emotion, so I notice details some people probably wouldn’t and they will remain tied to moments forever. But that’s the rub. Because I’m also able to look at my past behavior and analyze what I’ve done, what I should have done differently, and why I did it all. I’m not afraid to admit my past mistakes.

There’s a song by the X Ambassadors that has opened my eyes and ripped my heart to bits. It’s titled Ahead of Myself, and here are the lyrics:

Thought I was ready, ready for someone else
But every time I get ahead of myself
Every time I get ahead of myself
Thought I was rock steady
But that I didn’t need no help
But every time I get ahead of myself
Every time I get ahead of myself
Guess I went ahead and jumped the gun again
Some shitty situation that I put you in
And I know we poured champagne
Maybe we was just too quick to celebrate
I thought I was ready, ready for someone else
But every time I get ahead of myself
Every time I get ahead of myself
Thought I was rock steady, that I didn’t need no help
But every time I get ahead of myself
Every time I get ahead of my
I get ahead of myself, yeah babe
I get ahead of myself, yeah babe
Know that I was first to say, “I love you, babe”
Moved my things to your apartment down on 2nd Street
I thought I’d cleaned the slate
But I guess I didn’t clean it all away
I thought I was ready, ready for someone else
But every time I get ahead of myself
Every time I get ahead of myself
Thought I was rock steady
That I didn’t need no help
But every time I get ahead of myself
Every time I get ahead of my
Get ahead of myself, yeah babe
Get ahead of myself, yeah baby
Get ahead of myself, yeah babe
Get ahead of myself, yeah babe, yeah babe
Get ahead of myself
I get ahead of myself
I thought I was ready, ready for someone else
But every time I get ahead of myself
Every time I get ahead of myself
Thought I was rock steady
That I didn’t need no help
But every time I get ahead of myself
Every time I get ahead of my
Get ahead of myself, yeah babe
Get ahead of myself, yeah baby
Get ahead of myself, yeah babe
Get ahead of myself, yeah babe, yeah babe

Logic and I had “our song”. It was from a movie, and strangely (disturbingly) our relationship started with the theme song from the first movie, then ended up with the theme song from the second part of the three movie series being more fitting.

But this song IS Logic (verse one) and Emotion (verse two). It’s like the X Ambassadors had watched us come together and rise up like Icarus only to crash to the ground in spectacular blazing glory and used that almost year as inspiration for their song.

Logic was ready. He was Logic and he had done the logical thing: he had analyzed the situation. He was over her, he accepted my baggage and my needs, he trusted I could handle his. Until he wasn’t. Until he realized he had jumped the gun.

Emotion told him she loved him; she had a bag packed for a week at a time and his home was home for her. But she had an extra bag neither of them knew had been packed. It was empty, and she tried to fill it with work and with Logic. But she hadn’t cleaned it all away. It held her need to be needed, something she didn’t know she possessed and as such wasn’t able to forewarn him about.

Damage done.

Emotion has wiped that bag out. She has learned to fill her time properly. She has resisted the need to feel needed, squashed it like a bug then wiped it away.

Logic is doing his thing. He’s battling his demons and making choices that will allow him to move forward in life and hopefully find happiness.

The most painful thing in the world is to find the right person for you at the wrong time. Timing is a bitch.

Emotion no longer trusts herself. She is afraid for her heart, afraid to even try again. Maybe that’s not quite right; perhaps she’s not afraid. Perhaps she just knows she’s not ready for someone else.

The signs are all there. She still gets that fluttery lifting of her heart when he touches her. She can still feel the softness of his skin when she rubbed his head, or massaged his back. She can still see every shade of hair on his chest in her minds eye. Her ears pick out every trace of his accent when they talk. She strives to make him laugh, because joy spreads from his laughter. Those are just incidental pieces, not the giveaway that’s she’s not ready. So what is? She can still see those beautiful blue eyes when she closes hers. Beware the man with blue eyes for he will steal your thoughts. Cerulean and cornflower coloring the world. Owning your heart although you are too afraid to even think about handing it over again.

Thought I was rock steady.

It’s always been the eyes.

Emotion On Parenting

I either feel like I was destined to be a mother and it’s the only thing I’ve ever done right or like I had no business ever having kids, there is very little middle ground for me.

I realize we are all struggling to make the best choices as parents, that every single moment of the day can be a teaching moment, or a moment to make memories. None of us have a magic handbook that will guarantee we raise happy, healthy, well balanced adults. We all just do the best we can, what feels right in the moment, and hope the love we have makes up for any shortcomings.

Sometimes the freedom to direct life, to select the lesson of the moment or the bonding type, excites me. I grab it with both hands and run with it; in these moments I impart my wisdom, my caring, my love. My son grows a little each time these moments happen, although sometimes it takes a collection of these moments for the lessons to stick. I have boundless love to give. I’ve learned many lessons in my time on Earth. I enjoy sharing it all with him.

Other times I feel so completely overwhelmed by the weight of trying to raise a happy, balanced child. Especially in light of the way this year has gone so far. I feel so inept; I’m floundering in the surf of reality, the sands shifting under my feet while the water washes over my head. How did things get so crazy? How can I claim that I’m doing the best by my son when he was drowning in the surf beside me, so close yet just out of reach?

All these years I’ve tried to do it alone. Yes, he has his father and stepmom, and they were always part of the team (TeamQuirky) yet at my house it was always my boys and I against the world. I was their guiding star, the first light in the darkness whenever they needed to be guided. Yes, BJ was there on the weekends for most of those years, then after BJ and I went separate ways and I ended up with Logic they saw him some. But the reality is that I wasn’t willing to let Logic be a partner to me when it came to my kids because I was so used to it being just us three; I didn’t know how to make us four.

Then came “the summer of dad” when Cap’n wanted to be with them more than with me. I knew he needed that. He was entering puberty and a boy needs his dad at that time. He also needed friends, and to be away from Kennebunk. But it was hard for me. Midge (Midget, Mini-Me, my oldest boy) had moved out and Cap’n wasn’t around, so I was lost. I worked too hard, I became a cocklebur stuck to Logics sock because I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I destroyed my whole world with my identity crisis.

Now I’m sitting here in his stepmom and dads house, where I stay off and on, and I’m realizing the benefit of a two parent household. Not to disrespect my ex-husband, but Cap’ns stepmom (Saint) and I are the co-parents here. We went to the IEP meeting together; we make decisions together; we just work well on all the kids together. We balance each other out.

And I can’t stop thinking about how screwed up my life has gotten. How much I sometimes suck at flying solo. How I bury myself in work and projects when I feel that sand shifting under my feet, when I sense the waves looming over my head. When I feel like I had no business ever having kids.

It doesn’t matter that Midge is happy, independent, doing well. It doesn’t help any knowing that I was able to raise and guide him to where he is now. Every child is different and Cap’n is a challenge. I can’t stop feeling inept.

I know the tide will turn and I’ll feel able to spread my love and knowledge, but for now I’m glad Saint is willing to let me be here, because Cap’n isn’t the only one that feels better with more than just me around right now.

Share Your World 4/16/18

List things or events that changed your life? Jessica Anne born 11/25/95, lived for 55 minutes; Hunter Jacob born 6/27/97 at 24 weeks and 3 days, very healthy now; Cole Brian born 10/09/04 on time and healthy. Those are the important things that changed my life ❤️

Complete this sentence: Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No it’s… super mom!

What genre of music do you like? Almost everything. Not a huge fan of opera, prefer classical and jazz live, can’t do screamo music or whatever the hell Skrillex is, but I listen to everything else.

What did you appreciate or what made you smile this past week? I’m a week behind but I would say my boys continuing gains on mental wellness