The Beast Visits Within

It lies within her, quiet and still. She has controlled it with the rusty hand of experience. That hand used to have a polished touch because it was used daily. It’s no longer used daily, but the touch remains, for which she is thankful.

The dark creature settles in like an old friend, finding the nooks and crannies it always filled when her surroundings were such that the light could never touch the spot within and stood no chance of finding its way to those deepest, darkest spots.

The darkness has many names, and our dear Emotion knows most of them.

Anxiety: the name given by those that catch glimpse of the darkness only when tensions are high, stakes are high, and the threat is unpredictable or unknown.

Depression: cried out by those for whom sadness has welled from a mere stream to a raging river.

Anger: the primal name for the fire that some see just below the surface of the darkness.

Pain: this name is provided for the darkness both in times of provocation from without as well as from within. When called by this name, it is assured that the darkness has once again gone beyond just filling the cracks and crevices, to begin widening them.

Our dear Emotion is fortunate to only be calling the names of anxiety and pain with this visitation. These are the two names she has the most experience with; the two that she most easily coaxes into being still.

Anxiety is usually the most gentle beast. He lumbers in like a bear set on hibernating. His movements are slow and when he gets settled he’s content to wait patiently to reawaken.

Pain is the least gentle beast and therefore the hardest to coax into submission. Every time Emotion believes him to be settling down within her, preparing to rest like his other self Anxiety, and attempts to return to normalcy Pain seeks a new crack, or discovers an old crack that’s mostly healed. Pain slithers small tendrils in to latch on to the depths of these spots, then floods in behind that anchor.

The new cracks grow, split, become a chasm. The healed spots are worse though. When Pain splits a healed crease, it not only reopens the wound but also deepens it. Pain can’t help this; this portion of the beast deals a double blow because of the promises we make to ourselves when the darkness first leaves us.

We make promises that we know deep down will be broken, but the promises are psychological protection to allow some healing before the inevitable occurs. We know the pain will return. We know when it does it will be due to us breaking the promise we made to ourselves last time. The promise of nevermore. Nevermore will you let someone hurt you. Nevermore will you shrink yourself down to fit in another world. Nevermore will you allow yourself to become a watered down version of yourself for someone else. Nevermore.

It’s a beautiful lie we tell ourselves in the aftermath of the pain. It’s the mental equivalent to throwing open the windows in the first warm, sunny day after a dreary winter.

But the lie is as ephemeral as the sunlight and warm air we let in through that open window.

One day all those thoughts will be running through your head as you stand there wondering if it was all a mistake of memory, a creation of memory, all the while absentmindedly rubbing the beast within so gently, so calmly, it almost seemed to be thinking the same thing as her…

Welcome home old friend. Sit with me awhile and let’s wait to see if you have time to hang around or if your visit shall be short lived this time….

Superman

She’s used to taking control, our little Emotion. For so long she’s had to be the one to make choices, except when she could get Bestie to help her figure things out. But control is a burden she began to embrace rather than just carry. She enjoyed using her control to better the world around her. To make home a cozy place to visit or sit in when you needed to be there; to tend to the needs of everyone around her, anticipating what they needed and providing it for them. It is nice to be able to provide a little brightness in other peoples lives. But it involves control. It involves being in charge, making the decisions, all the weight on your own shoulders.

Now it’s time to let that control go.

She’s waited for this time to come; longed for it the way she longed for a soulmate. She never expected to experience either, let alone the two combined. She doesn’t want to completely lose control- she wants compromise. Another set of hands to carry the burden of decisions. Someone that will help, that isn’t afraid to take control when her internal resources are depleted. A space where the choices aren’t all hers to make.

He is Superman, and she is his Red Kryptonite. She is Emotion, and he is the gentle hand that steadies her through the storm she moves within.

_{(On the TV series, Smallville, Red Kryptonite has a drug-like effect, causing severe changes in Clark Kent’s personality, becoming rebellious, unpredictable and acting purely on erotic and selfish emotions.)}

He is known as Superman due to his seeming invincibility (and yes, dear readers, you will learn more about him and his past antics in the future) but he really fills the roll out well. He flies about hither and yonder taking care of the needs of the people he loves. He carries and lifts, despite the injuries he’s still healing from; he thinks things through and answers all the questions…

He lets her help. Not a whole lot yet. They have clearly delineated boundaries, but those boundaries work. As you know, our dear Emotion needs to have boundaries because she is so very oblivious without them. They will grow together, and eventually share the load evenly.

Her Superman. Her soulmate. Her forever.

Snowfall Thoughts

She watches the snow fall, each fat flake lazily sliding down the windshield. The blanket of fresh white provides a sense of solitude as she sits with her thoughts,

The past few weeks have been full of complete opposite life events. Pregnancy and birth happening opposite the process of death. Betrayal happening opposite the process of opening up and trusting fully.

Her thoughts swirl like the snowflakes, her awareness of her surroundings fading as another puzzle piece falls into place; one thought linking to another, bringing memories to together, bringing understanding to the surface; that new understanding raising new questions.

She’s jolted back to the present by something he says. She pieces the thoughts together to make a coherent contribution to the conversation. First trying to comfort the father and son, then the brothers, knowing there’s no real comfort in words while facing the slow wasting of death. Her mind dips to the concept of time. They are all at the mercy of time, trying to get a feeling from the universe so they make their travel in time, all hoping to get there with time to say goodbye, and all hoping to be there when the final goodbyes are said, but knowing that time is so cruel.

She pops back to the here and now, where talks have progressed to talks of the move. A gentle anxiety rolls in. Fear of the unknown. Fear of a massive failure. But excitement is there as well. A new chapter, a new phase of life.

Her brain fits off to the prospects of the videos. She calls it compromise but is it?

Yes, in some ways. He wants the followers and the views, she wants him to have what he wants but in a way that doesn’t feed her insecurities or accidentally cross her boundaries. She feels being his “video star” will be the perfect solution because he says women can do it much easier than men, so why not let him use what’s in front of him?

But if she’s being honest, there’s a part of her that offered because she wants this. She wants to let him film her, whatever angles and styles he finds attractive. She wants to see her body the way he sees it. She wants to know exactly what he loves about her body. She wants to see him proudly show her off.

Full truth is it’s a bit of a turn on. She’s a firm believer that every woman has a primal urge to show herself off; to be viewed as a goddess. She has those primal urges and more; urges that she’s never been able to fulfill because she always took a life path that demanded respect and never dared expose that side of herself and risk losing the respect she had earned. This would allow her to fulfill those urges without risking it all.

Those selfish pieces make her question if it’s compromise as much as selfishness.

Her Emotions swirl on, drifting her thoughts away like the snowflakes….

Emotion(al) Growth

She’s had a rough week, our Emotion. She’s used it to grow, to do more of that shadow work we all must do in order to keep being better versions of ourselves.

She used her words but she chose them oh so carefully. She thought about why she wanted to say the things she said before she spoke. She also thought about how the person she was speaking to would receive those words.

If you don’t think about where the person you are talking to is coming from you can bet your words will be poorly received which is not good for communicating.

She also laid her boundaries. Firm, but kind. Clearly relayed, but leaving no room for doubt as to what they are or what the ramifications will be if they are crossed again.

To his credit he listened. No defensiveness, no anger, no threats. He agreed, he apologized for the accidental pain he caused, he promised to do better.

So many have promised that before, only to climb right back into their old patterns. She’s afraid, she’s holding back for now, unable to just return to the way things were, but she’s going to try to work through it. He’s never hesitated to make the needed changes before when things were difficult, she owes it to them both to give him a chance with this one too, even if this was a gunshot where the others were paper cuts. It just means the stakes are higher if he does it again. But at least the stakes are clear to all. If he returns to that old pattern Emotion will have big emotions to work through but she’ll be able to do so guilt free, knowing she gave it her all.

That willingness to communicate calmly, and that willingness to stick to her boundaries… That is Emotion(al) Growth.

Twisted

She sits here waiting, patiently waiting. She watches the snow fall and listens to the sleet tap off her truck while she smokes yet another cigarette. She’s smoking a lot today.

You see, her world is exploding, twisting; her mind turning over the possibilities to come. She’s made her preparations because our dear Emotion has learned to be a step ahead by necessity in these situations.

She went to bed last night content in the arms of her love. She had bared her soul to him over the weekend in a way she had never done with anyone before, and she felt safe and comforted being in his arms as she drifted to sleep.

She awoke to a nightmare. Lines were crossed, pain was inflicted. More pain than she’s ever felt, because she had given him more of herself than she had ever given. More raw honesty, more of the ugly truth. She had given him all of her on that conversation. Yet she woke up to something that fed right into the damage she was working so hard to repair.

Our Emotion is a foolish girl- chasing love no matter how many times it tears her apart. She somehow glues the pieces back together and puts glitter on the glue because she won’t allow being broken to make her ugly. She’s a pure soul where love is concerned. She was built for love.

Yet she’s starting to wonder if she’s built for this world. If it weren’t for Cap’n Chaos and Uni, she probably wouldn’t bother staying around to find out. Days like today she wonders if this world is ever going to be worth the love and energy she pours into it.

Today she matches the weather: stormy inside.

She’s twisted.

Three Page Love Letter: To the man that loves me now,

You came from a place I never expected to find you; and with you, you brought light into a place I had assumed would remain dark for the rest of my life. The happiness that I feel with you is only overwhelmed by the feelings of love and safety I have for and around you.

Safety is huge. We’ve discussed how I’ve been mistreated in the past but I’ve never feared for myself physically with you. But physical safety isn’t the only type of safety there is. With you I feel safe emotionally, and as I am Emotion, that is the biggest concern for me ever. You allow me to be myself regardless of the mood I’m in, you don’t walk away when I’m having a hard day, and I can express even the hardest things to you without fearing retribution or anger.

Happiness can be eternal, that much I believe. The same way you believe this world was designed by some Greater Hand, I believe that our lives were brought together at the right time for the best of reasons by the Hand of Fate. I believe you are my reward for all the tough times. I believe I’m your reward for all you’ve been through. I believe above all else that we have what it takes to make it forever.

You love me gently, yet fiercely. You hold me tight without crushing either my body or my spirit. You love me right.

I just hope I make you as happy as you make me. I try to do all I can to make your life simpler, happier, better; and I will never stop trying to do it always.

SYW 11/15/21

QUESTIONS This week is a philosophical (chewy) question week.

In your opinion, what should be humanity’s goal? To always strive to be better, kinder, more peaceful, less hateful and divisive.

Are you hesitant to speak your opinions? Depends on the subject and the person or people I’m speaking to. It’s in my nature to be non-comfrontational so I don’t bother with people that have already closed their mind on a topic. With people I know are open to listening to other points of view I will, and I always do with friends and family.

In what ways has society changed during your lifetime? What do you think caused these changes? I’m answering this in reverse. Society has become so much more technologically advanced (says the woman in her blog that is read in dozens of countries). In some ways technology has improved life for us all, from allowing us to keep in touch, share life events with family and friends far away, and learn new things. Unfortunately it’s led to a lot of divisiveness, distrust, and outright hatred.

If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow this person to be your friend? Honestly? Depends on the day. Sometimes I’m my own hype girl and I’d keep myself around forever. Other times I’d throat punch myself before I made it out the front door. I call it balance 🤣

GRATITUDE SECTION (as always, optional) I’m grateful as always for my friends and family, both near and far. On days I struggle I know I never struggle alone, and that’s irreplaceable

The Storm Within

You see her smile, the upward tilt of her lips. But something is off, just slightly askew. Her eyes don’t sparkle with the mischievous glint they way they usually do. Where the sparkle resides, there’s a glaze. She’s not crying, but the tears are at the ready. It’s conflicting and confusing, this girl that always smiles and laughs looking like this, and it makes you uncomfortable. You don’t really understand your discomfort, you may not even register consciously the conflict, but you respond to it nonetheless. Unconsciously you keep your distance, even if you want to be close. You go silent, despite there being much to say. So she smiles and talks, tries to set you at ease because she sees it, she knows your discomfort and hates to see it, hates even more to be the cause.

You come to her in your times of trouble, because you know she will always be there, giving all she can even if she doesn’t really have it to give. She’s just made that way, you see? She is made to give, to help. She wants to ease your pain, lift your sadness, give you hope when you’ve run low. She’s your crutch when you need support, lifting the weight while beating back your fear. You see her patience, that she has a very long and slow burning fuse, just smiling as she tries to prop you up while trying not to enable you if that’s a risk. What you don’t see is the weight of that propping, the energy put out into that long slow burning fuse. The weight bears down slowly, heavily settling into her heart. She fights the weight but that divides her energy, diverts some from keeping that fuse burning slowly. She becomes drained, she feels the fuse burning faster, but she’s running out of energy to stop the fuse or the weight. And that is when the sparkles fade slowly from her eyes. But that is usually the only early sign.

You’ll hear her laughter, and it may be music to your ears if your love and appreciation for her allows that, but even if it’s not musical to you, you still smile at having made her laugh. She’s easy going, easy to talk to, outgoing and fun loving. But sometimes you notice her laughter sounds a bit off- forced or strained. Perhaps she didn’t find it funny? You wonder, but you don’t ask. And perhaps, just maybe, that is when you notice the sparkles are fading.

Some days you see her and don’t recognize the creature before you. She’s there, you see her and know her, but she’s so cold. Iced over on the outside, cool, distant, blunt, quick to dismiss the outside world. She may look but not really see, because she is looking inside herself. Where did this ice princess come from? She doesn’t belong, not in the body of the girl who is always so quick to smile.

You hear her sing. Perhaps on key, perhaps not. She’ll sing songs of happiness, love, life. She’ll sing songs that aren’t really happy, but smile for the joy of singing. Her songs will be from every genre, an eclectic mix of music suited to her personality- so varied, so all encompassing, embracing so much of the world. But then the music changes. There’s less variety, perhaps the songs are a shade darker, or sang with feeling but without the smile… Until there are only a few that she sings repetitively. That’s that tell, that’s where to find the storm brewing within.

How does the storm break? Sometimes it breaks in crashes of thunder and flashes of lightening; she’s snappy, she’s grumpy, she’s angry and she tells you. And boy, she tells you everything that is in her head. She tries not to, because she knows what she is inside. She’s a listener, she has heard all of your words; she can empathize with you which is why you turn to her in your times of trouble. But she knows how to use this, she can tear you apart in ways you never knew someone could do, all without raising her voice. And she hates that part of herself; she fights it every time it tries to rise up. When she can’t fight it and the storm breaks like that, you may come out of it a little battered but she comes out of it beaten down and defeated, disappointed in and angry at herself, scarred more from the battle than you even if you never landed a blow. So before the storm becomes a hurricane that will rip right through you, she has to allow the storm to break early. She has to let the rain out, to release the flood of tears and let them wash away the toxins. In those tears are all of the hurt and pain she’s absorbed from you combined with all of the hurt and pain she’s endured silently. Coming to you is not typically her style. She hates to be a burden, and she has had to be so strong for so long that coming to you feels like defeat, like weakness. So she keeps it within. But before the hurricane hits, she’ll make time to release the tears. She’ll soak in the tub with the music playing and let it all go. If she can’t soak in the tub she’ll cry it out in the shower. Either way, she’ll do it in private, as she knows that to most tears are seen as either weakness (which she’s not weak) or manipulation (which she doesn’t do). She has to spare you the hurricane, but the pressure… Oh how her heart can’t take the pressure.

She keeps most of herself hidden, despite how open she is. She doesn’t want to be seen as sensitive in any way other than sensitive to your needs. She doesn’t want to appear as anything other than the strong, positive person she shows the world. She lets very few people see her real self, know the real person inside, because most of those that have seen her and known her this way have proven themselves unworthy through lies, deceit, manipulation; causing pain where she chose to give love.

If she lets you in, don’t abuse that, don’t lose that. Because when that line is crossed, all you’ll see is the ice princess, or the civilized shell of her. She won’t allow herself to be destroyed anymore.

But when she gives, she gives with everything she has. Because that’s just how she’s made. And she wouldn’t want to be any other way, because giving is a pleasure, a warmth, the light and the fire inside of her that gives her life meaning. So she gives…

Five Years

What would you do if you were faced with your own mortality? Not as an abstract thought, but actually had to contemplate your demise?

Would you change your job? Would you worry more about making money? After all, if the end is coming you want to be able to splurge before you go, or leave a tidy sum behind for your family.

Or would you worry more about making an impact on the world? You want to be remembered fondly in your absence. Or would you simply do whatever makes you happy? I choose to do the job that makes me happy. If the job doesn’t involve great coworkers, an ever changing landscape of work daily to keep me engaged, and a lasting impact on the community, I don’t want it.

Would you change your surroundings? Maybe knowing how short life can be would be all the incentive to finally move to a new location. Or maybe even just take those trips you have been putting off. Hell, maybe just do something as simple as change your home- paint that bold accent wall you’ve always dreamed of having, or try the red and black bedroom theme your parents never let you try when you were an angsty teen (the you never really outgrew wanting to try but gave up on because you were trying to behave as an adult is expected to). I choose to change my surroundings at home and hopefully travel more.

Would you change your priorities? Perhaps you’d make more time for friends and family. Perhaps you’d make more time for yourself. Maybe you would learn to say no when you really don’t want to say yes, or start cutting toxic people out of your life. My kids will always be my top priority, but I’d make myself the next highest priority for a change. I’d be kinder to myself.

Would you stay the way you are? If you are single, would you search for love knowing you will leave your partner alone and heartbroken in the end? If you are in an unhappy relationship would that be the push you need to leave it? If you are happy with your partner would you shower them with affection so they know how much they meant when you are gone? I’m single, but I wouldn’t search for love. Not because of a fear of leaving my partner grieving; after all, the best relationships end with one partner grieving the loss of the other to death rather than by separation. I wouldn’t search for love for two reasons. First, I wouldn’t find it fair to burden someone like that. Second reason being that I wouldn’t want to latch on to someone just to stop being alone. And we all know Logic is no longer an option so anything I did would be less than the real thing.

Last question: what would you say knowing the end is near? What have you held inside that you’d release? My words are here, I’ve written out a lot of what I would say out loud if I knew I wouldn’t have to spend much time with them known. But there is much more to be written.

Now you know my thoughts so tell me, what would you do?

Before You Go

Lewis Capaldi sang “So, before you go, was there something I could have said to make your heart beat better? If only I had known you had a storm to weather. So, before you go, was there something I could have said to make it all stop hurting? It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless.”

I’ve wondered for the past few years had I had done things differently would we still be together? I wish I could say I think we would be, because I’d like to think that even back then we were meant to be together forever but the reality is that you had a storm to weather. I don’t know if the storm is still raging or if the winds are starting to calm; maybe the winds have calmed and you are where you want to be.

Even if you hadn’t had a storm to weather I don’t think we would have survived at that time. I had storms looming in my path, but more importantly I had growth to experience. I wouldn’t be as comfortable and at peace with myself as I am now if I hadn’t had these past few years to truly rediscover myself.

One part of that song I don’t feel any connection to is “our every moment I start to replace”. Our moments were precious, special experiences that i would never want to replace. If anything I would want to replicate them but from a position of higher understanding. From the emotional perspective I have now. As the confident and independent woman I am now. I think you’d enjoy me much more now and I’d be able to appreciate you much more.

But sometimes timing is a bitch.